i heart Weasley
by Luna's little noodle
Summary: '"So… which one of us is it?" they asked at the same time. Harry and Ron stopped next to them, chess set ignored in Ron's hands, and all five of them looked at her. Hermione sighed again. She should probably stop that.' In which there are misunderstandings, an interrogation, and gratuitous breaking of the fourth wall. And S.P.E.W.


**disclaimer: i own nothing. inspired by _that_ picture (search in google images "i heart weasley" and it's the second image)**

* * *

Hermione was reading a book on the invention of the Self-Stirring Cauldron (which was a fascinating read, actually) while waiting for Ron and Harry to arrive in the Great Hall. The two had gone to grab Ron's chess set to occupy the hours until the Triwizard champions were selected – because while it had been entertaining to watch the first few people put their names in the Goblet, after that it had dawned on the three of them that they were really only watching people put parchment scraps into a glorified incinerator. Which, Fred and George's mishap aside, was not actually that interesting.

On principle Hermione always carried a book around, even when there would be no chance to read it, so she had been able to pull it from her bag as Ron and Harry had followed Fred and George out of the hall to retrieve their chess set. She could only hope they wouldn't ask her to play, as chess was one of the few things she was not any better than the braindead masses at.

"You called?" Fred and George had dropped themselves into the seats she was saving for Harry and Ron, and Hermione looked up for a moment, frowning slightly.

"No?"

"Ah well, we're here anyway," Fred (or maybe George) said, leaning in closely. "'A History of the Self-Stirring Cauldron'." he read off the cover.

"Fascinating," George (or perhaps Fred) remarked. Hermione scowled at him.

"It is, actually," she said loftily, attempting not to look down her nose at him and failing miserably. "I've just read about how in one of his earlier attempts, the unfortunately named Gaspard Shingleton accidentally enchanted the stirring rod wrong, which was found out by the unlucky muggle milkman the next day when it started beating him round the head."

"You're right" said the twin on her left. "His name really is unfortunate. _Gasp-hard_." Hermione sighed.

"But that's not why we're here," the one on her right said.

"That's right George," said the twin who must be George. Hermione sighed and shut her book.

"So why _are_ you here, with me, right now, instead of off pranking some poor first year?" she asked, biting the bullet or whatever the wizarding version of that phrase was. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Ginny entering the hall and waved. Ginny weaved her way to them as Fred answered.

"We saw you write 'I heart Weasley' on your parchment yesterday," said Fred, making a little heart with his hands. Hermione thought back to the Potions essay she'd been writing the day before, and what she'd– oh _that_. She sighed, and Ginny, just arrived, looked curiously at her.

"It isn't Ginny because she's a girl," George started, ticking off his fingers. Ginny frowned. "Not Ron because you have standards."

"Oi!" yelled Ron, from the entrance to the Great Hall. Next to him, Harry looked confused but resigned, a look mirrored by Ron when he recognised the twins.

Fred and George ignored him. "Not Percy because he's a prat," Fred continued, "Not Charlie because you've hardly met him."

"And not Bill because he's married," George finished.

"So… which one of us is it?" they asked at the same time. Harry and Ron stopped next to them, chess set ignored in Ron's hands, and all five of them looked at her.

Hermione sighed again. She should probably stop that.

* * *

Hermione took a moment to place her book to the side, and folded her hands in her lap, before looking back up. Fred and George were either side of her, Ginny was next to Fred, Harry and Ron were next to George. She contemplated making a break for it, but that would mean leaving her book. Ugh, fine.

"First of all," she said, holding a hand in front of both Fred's and George's faces. The two moved back from where they had lent in, and Hermione dropped her hands. "Thank you.

She took a moment to gather her thoughts. She could see Fred getting impatient, but took time to orient herself. "You've made a lot of assumptions to come to the conclusion I find either of you remotely attractive," she finally said. "Which, while not a requirement for a relationship, for me, at least, contributes in part to what makes someone date-worthy." While Ron and Harry looked slightly confused, all of them had gotten her point. Hermione took a breath, then continued.

"Firstly, you discounted Ginny."

" _What_?"

"You… like _girls_?"

"Not quite, Fred," she told him, as he was looking particularly crushed. "While this _is_ the 90s and not the greatest time to be openly gay in the Muggle world at least, I don't only have to be a lesbian. I could be bisexual, pansexual, asexual homoromantic, or even questioning and ultimately straight. Not all relationships end up being for life, after all."

"But you're a _girl_. _She's_ a girl!"

"Yes we've gotten that, thanks Ron."

Fred and George looked slightly stupefied, Ron was red at the ears, and Harry looked like he wanted to slink away but at the same time couldn't leave. Ginny looked at each of them, glanced at Hermione, and rolled her eyes.

"Moving on," Hermione said, and the others focused on her again. "Based off the photo your statement was on, we're in Fourth Year."

"You don't know, we could be in your Seventh Year," said Fred.

"It explains Bill," added George.

"Yes," said Hermione longsufferingly. "But, if this were Seventh Year, you wouldn't in be in uniform, and depending on how AU this conversation is, neither would Harry, Ron, and I. So, Fourth Year, where Bill is a happy bachelor in Egypt and Fleur is a simple Beauxbatons student.

"Oui?" Fleur said, pausing on her way to the Ravenclaw table.

"Nothing," they all answered. Fleur kept walking to the Ravenclaw table in cloud of French perfume and lust-struck teenagers.

"My point stands," Hermione said. Ron, Fred, and Ginny turned back to look at her. "Bill is unattached and available, so _could_ be who I'm writing about.

"But you haven't met him or Charlie," said Ginny.

"Only if you use movie canon," Hermione replied. "As this is definitely book canon due to the S.P.E.W. badges on my robes–"

"What spew badges?"

"S-P-E-W, Ron, and these." Her robes shifted, revealing a large amount of badges in a line down her lapel.

As no one seemed to care about the mistreatment of House Elves at _all_ , Hermione had a surplus of badges, so wore them all in an attempt to incite conversation about House Elf rights. Unfortunately for Hermione, word had spread not to ask her about the badges unless you wanted to waste half an hour of your time, so she mostly used the extras to pelt Malfoy and his cronies with after they tried teasing her. They had stopped quite quickly; button pins were _sharp_.

"I'm certain those weren't there before."

"Who knows. It's not like I've been described beyond 'sitting with a book'."

"Fair enough."

"So, book canon, which means I _have_ met Bill and Charlie," Hermione said triumphantly. "While it might have only been for a month and a half, there are many relationships that are built on less."

"That's– yeah okay," Fred sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"Wait," said Harry slowly. "You got to be at the Weasley's for a _month and a half_? When I had to starve at the Dursley's until _halfway through August_?"

Hermione hmmed in agreement. "With how little my parents seem to care, and J K Rowling's math skills, I could have spent any amount of time, but for this gag the author has chosen a month and a half."

"That– but how– you sent a separate birthday cake!" Harry said indignantly.

"Later, Harry," Ron said. Harry threw himself into the seat next to George, fuming; George awkwardly patted his shoulder. Ginny grinned at the two, and George's ears went red. _Interesting_.

"As well as that," Hermione continued, electing to ignore whatever was happening there, "Bill is a cursebreaker, and Charlie works with dragons. Both are high-risk, exciting careers, which probably pay well due to the inherent danger. So neither can be struck off the list, either."

"How about Percy, the prat." Fred looked almost desperate. "Not him, at least."

"Ignoring how raw a deal Percy gets in canon, both from you two nearly the whole series, and most of the fandom after the fifth book, for my first two months at this school I had no friends to speak of." Ron and Harry looked guilty, Ron more so, and Hermione paused to squeeze their shoulders. They both smiled at her, and she sat back, content. "So, as I'm established very firmly as a bookish nerd, it's a logical progression to think I would gravitate to the one other bookish nerd presented in canon: Percy the Prefect. Also, Prefect is a position I likely aspire to, as I'm book-smart and school-liking, so it's not an unsupported leap to think I harbour a crush on Percy."

"But you don't, do you?"

"Nothing can be disproven at this point, Ron," Hermione answered.

"Well, what about Ron?" George jumped in with a grin.

"What about Ron? No offence."

"Some taken," he said with a grin.

"But surely you have standards, Hermione," Fred said.

"We _know_ you must have standards," George continued.

"If you think _Ron_ doesn't meet my standards, what makes you think either of you will?" Hermione said acidly.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Then,

"You'll want to see Madam Pomfrey for that _burn_ ," crowed Ginny

"I want to be offended," George said, his face twisting slightly in respect. "But I'm reluctantly impressed more than anything."

Hermione grinned happily. "But yes, Ron certainly has quite a few desirable traits that make him prime crush material."

"What?" Ron looked dumfounded.

"It's true Ron," Harry said with a large smile.

"The only reason you don't have people throwing themselves at you is the protection of Harry's shadow," Hermione added.

"I'm torn between offended at you, Harry, and relieved," Ron said slowly.

"Stick with relieved," Harry replied, side-eyeing a group of students giggling further down the table. They started giggling harder and Harry grimaced.

" _That_ is why you two aren't the only Weasley's I could be crushing on," Hermione finished.

"That is amazingly - if not unsurprisingly- well thought out," Fred told her seriously.

Hermione had a small smile on her face, and her eyes softened. "I've seen that picture so many times," she said to him quietly, "I get more pissed off each time, you have no idea."

"Ok," George said loudly, startling them. Hermione hadn't realised they were so close. "That's all well and good, but now we need to know."

"Please," Fred added.

"Well," Hermione said, "Since you asked so nicely...

"Ginny, at this point in time I identify as straight, but more importantly you're nearly two years younger than me at a stage in our lives where that's a significant difference. So I wouldn't want to date you now – no offence."

"None taken, Hermione," Ginny said easily.

"As for Percy," Hermione continued, "While I _could_ be crushing on him, and might have back in First Year, you have to remember the evening before we caught the train this year, when we had an argument about House Elves that we've had numerous times before. Also, the fact that even if I did have a crush on him right now, it probably wouldn't be reciprocated as he's very focused on his career and I'm also at least four years younger than him. Since I don't enter into things that haven't got a chance of working, I don't have a crush on Percy either."

The others all stared pointedly at her S.P.E.W. badges, but wisely didn't comment.

"For Bill and Charlie," she said, sighing a little, "You _do_ make a viable point that I know them least out of all of you." (Fred and George fistbumped, which Hermione decided to ignore). "Also," she continued, "Their jobs are, as I said earlier, high risk, and I don't think I'd like a partner who could die on me."

"So," said Harry, grinning, "Ron, Fred, and George."

"Which one, Hermione?" Ginny said with a similar smile.

The three looked at her curiously, and Hermione smirked.

"None of them," she said.

"What–"

"But–"

She laughed. "I was writing my Potions essay yesterday," she told them.

"What Potions–" said Harry.

"That's not due until next week!" Ron said loudly.

"Do you honestly think Snape wouldn't do something like ask for it a lesson early?" she asked them.

Harry looked faintly ill. Ron shuddered. "Fair point," he told her. "Do you think we could–"

"No, Ron," Hermione said longsufferingly, "You can't borrow my essay."

"Can you look over ours then?" he asked.

"Of course."

"Thanks."

Hermione then pulled a piece of parchment from her robes, and Ginny handed her a Self-Inking quill. "Thanks Ginny. What I actually wrote was–" on the parchment, Hermione wrote a semicolon, the letter v, which she then scribbled out, and 'Wastely'. What was left was something that, if looked at from the right angle, could be read as 'i "heart" Weasley'.

"He was the person to invent the antidote to the Evergreen Poison," she told them. Ron took the quill from her to scribble 'WASTELY - EP INV' on his arm, before Ginny took it back. Fred looked crestfallen, while George was switching between patting his shoulder and having a silent conversation with Harry.

Hermione smiled to herself as Ron and Ginny started squabbling over the quill, picking back up her book. Shingleton's next attempt had resulted in a never-ending stirring, and as the potion he was testing was the Boil-Inducing Potion, she was eager to see if the book would detail just how large his boils became.

* * *

 **this picture annoys me so so much, and every time a hp facebook page shows it i die a little inside. it was mostly just me going ' _yes_ ginny because she's a girl', but after seeing it _again_ i Had Enough, and decided to write this. it soon dawned on me i needed more reasons than ' _yes_ ginny', so i tried to be as logical and hermione-like about it as possible.**

 **\- yes hermione is my mouthpiece in this, yes the characters are all breaking the fourth wall and aware of their status as fictional characters, yes i feel percy and ron deserve so much better than they get in canon, yes, yes, yes.**

 **\- hermione has at least 50 badges according to book canon, and i think the only confirmed members are her, harry, ron, and neville (plus some people who just want her to shut up but shhh)**

 **\- why i ended like i did: on one hand, romione, on the other, fremione (my feet count for george/harry, linny, bill/fleur, perciver, and ace charlie).**

 **\- Gaspard Shingleton _is_ the inventor of the Self-Stirring cauldron, but no details of his creative process are ever given in either canon.**

 **\- (to also consider: fred takes hermione to the yule ball, and krum takes ron)**

 **\- a deleted scene:**

"Harry Potter!" yelled Dumbledore into the suddenly silent hall. Harry tried to become one with the floor as everyone's eyes found him. Well, everyone but Ron and Hermione's.

"Harry– ow!" Dumbledore was cut off as he was hit in the forehead by a badge. Which was followed by another, and another, until he had vanished under a pile of badges. Moody picked one up and studied it.

"'Spew'?" he asked McGonagall, whose face whitened.

"It's S-P-E-W!" came a furious bellow from the back of the hall, before a torrent of badges hit Moody as well.

As he ducked under the table to avoid them, McGonagall asked drily, "Constant vigilance, Alastor?"


End file.
